and so begins my daily doodle quest

Several months ago Ollie, Kevin and I went to dinner at our friends the amazing Hippens' house. Both Seth and Karalenn are extremely talented, not only with drawing/painting/creating, but musically and well, in SO MANY WAYS I can't even begin. Heh, I don't know why they are friends with us. ;) We sat and looked through each others' sketchbooks, and they asked me if I still draw. And I was sad to realize that I really haven't even doodled that much since Ollie was born. So part of me thought about starting a little project where I would post a doodle a day, whether it was a doodle I doodled 7 years ago or one that I did while eating breakfast with Oliver. Just to get a pen or pencil or whatever back in my hand. So that I can stop feeling sorry for myself that everyone is so much more accomplished and prolific and creative and talented than me, when really, that's not even the point. My house is getting in order, so I can finally start thinking about having them over HERE for dinner next time. But I digress. Here is the sketch. A little background on it, if you're interested, I was just sitting down to start drawing Dal and Heidi for their wedding announcement and was getting frustrated trying to draw grown-ups, and this is a little sketch of a baby that just seemed to pop up. I guess as I was sitting there I was absent-mindedly thinking about all the babies that seem to be making their debuts. (Or at least soon to be). Babies on the brain. Maybe I'll post that pic of Dal and Hi-D tomorrow. :)

Finarry.

So, I've been thinking of about a gazillion different posts, and have about a gazillion different photos to share, and so here I am (late at night when I should be sleeping) with no idea where to start.

What it is.

So, here is the progress that has been one small (yet so huge) part of my "recovery." It is really embarrassing to show everyone this. So why am I doing it? I don't know, I guess I like pain. No, I guess by doing this it's like it's no longer going to be a shameful deep dark secret. When I finish this post I'm going to proceed with my plans of posting a daily doodle.

Heh, so here goes nothing: (Just please, please don't report me!)

Okay, so I just spent an hour uploading these photos and trying to put them in descending order, but it didn't work. So they are in ascending order. So you'll have to look at them from the end of the post and back to see that I am making progress. Otherwise it looks like I'm backsliding. (which, actually I am, I need to recommit and get back to that good feeling when things are under control and peaceful, and the sink is clean enough at any hour that Ollie can climb in and play, which he loves to do. It had been covered for SO LONG that it was like discovering buried treasure for him. He spent nearly three days straight just playing with measuring cups and colanders and whatever you can think of.)

The last of my photo experiment. Being accountable to the camera really helped motivate me. Maybe I'll have to keep doing that to get myself back on track:



there really is a nice little space hiding under all that mess:


flowers and fruit baskets make me happy:


This is after about two hours of finishing the kitchen and dining area. You can see the piles of trash and items to be recycled to the right:


More from that same night:


Before the two hour clean-up. If I could just maintain it on a regular basis, I wouldn't need to muster enough energy to work for two hours to get it back to how I like it:


Ollie's favorite place to play. This was after a botched dinner attempt. I finally felt good enough to try a new recipe, and it flopped big time. You can see the back up apple jacks in the bowl on the floor.


Shiny sink. Flylady is right. If only I had listened to her before it went so horribly wrong:


now half the kitchen is clean:


You can see where I started, in the right hand corner and the stove. That was one small babystep.


Another "before again" shot:


It's all gone to pot again. "Before" again shot:


This was supposed to be the beginning of the "after" shots, but as you see coming up, it all just went down the tubes again, because I struggle with just daily maintenance and picking up. This was before I committed to just keeping the sink clean and the dishes done no matter what. That was the only babystep to conquer.


Another before shot:


Another "before" shot:


Another "before" shot:


The first "before" shot:



And there you have it. In all it's glory. In reverse order. I hope you enjoyed it. Heh. You can feel free to enjoy as much schadenfreude as you want. ;)

How true, how true.

Don't know what to say about this picture of post-it notes, just that it's kind of appropriate for some of my issues the last little while.

Perhaps I'll be brave and share with you all some of my progress in my next post. I only say "brave" because to illustrate the progress I have to expose one of my embarrassing weaknesses. You know, that weakness that the post-it notes refer to so delicately--being "organizationally challenged."

if you ever wondered

Thanks for the responses, everyone. I was surprised people are still coming back after so long, and so helpful even though I am so neglectful as far as commenting on others blogs. I'm getting help, hopefully. I still would like to find a psychiatrist, but apparently there really aren't any in Utah county. Or they're all in hiding or something. Heh.

Anyway, if you ever wondered if you had post-partum depression, if you read this book and it sounds familiar, then you can answer yes. (Well, other than the being famous and gorgeous part of it, of course--her descriptions of her experiences rang all too true for me.) Unfortunately, I waited way to long to read it, I perhaps could have saved myself and Kevin and Oliver a few years of misery had I read it sooner. Ironically, when it came out I was in the very thick of it, and didn't even realize it.

project get happy

Well, I doubt anyone is reading anymore as I've severely neglected this blog for so long, like so many other things in my life. But on the off-chance people are still checking occasionally, this post is a call for help.

So five days ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I guess I was trying to be in denial about it for years, but in any case, I was told I needed to find a psychiatrist who could prescribe the right antidepressant for me. So I am asking any of you if you have any experience with antidepressants or psychiatrists and might have any advice, referrals, or info that you think would be helpful for me as I try to get happy. If this is too public for you to comment here, please call or email me if that is better for you, as I well know how private and personal this sort of thing is. I'm trying to find a solution so that life can improve not only for me, but for Kevin and Oliver. They deserve so much more.